hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
