Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
a search helicopter?!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
