you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
