8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
