Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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