I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
