I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
