we need to drink 2009 down the drain
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
why is half of my head shaved?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
