nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
