I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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