Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have tasted many bathrooms
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
