Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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