he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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