I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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