I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
