If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
