I am in a vortex of obligation.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
