she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
