There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
