life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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