Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
