don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
