Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
