were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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