I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
