Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
