meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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