I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
