Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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