I wish I could teleport
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
