Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
