I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
