giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
