I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
