Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
