did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
