a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
