life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
