Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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