Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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