I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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