my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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