We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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