I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
