We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
