At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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