Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
