Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Please don't give away my fajitas
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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