I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
