his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
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he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
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We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool