Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo