I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
