who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
