I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Randomize
