my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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