i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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