Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
