I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I need a beard to bite.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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