Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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