bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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