I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
